Transience

by theadventuresofbeka

My life right now is best described by this word.

Transience: a transient state or quality

Thanks, dictionary. That was helpful.

Transient: for a short time only; not permanently settled in place; somebody staying briefly.


 

This is part of why I haven’t been blogging. I don’t have much to say that won’t end up sounding like an endless vague complaint and a request for answers that cannot be supplied. Also, I tripped and fell while running two weeks ago and the minor injury I sustained has made me very grumpy (no yoga, running or hiking = very unhappy Beka).

I am uncomfortable. I am a Type A person who likes to have plans. When I begin to stress about the future, I like to do something about it even if I know my actions are somewhat futile.

I have no idea what I will be doing this fall* and I find that terrifying. Last October, I submitted an application for a scholarship and I am still waiting on the committee’s final decision. I am either spending this next school year teaching English in a foreign country or I am graduating this December. Either alternative involves a lot of change. The very idea of this much change makes me anxious. I want to funnel this anxiety into planning, list making, or running. I currently cannot do any of these things. Every time I begin thinking about next August, my thoughts follow a preset circular path until I am derailed. I am reminded that my worried thinking is futile and I need to wait.

Waiting.

Something I’m really terrible at.

But I’m working on it. I’m waiting on my quad to heal. Waiting on an e-mail. Resting my injured leg. Resting in the peace that surpasses understanding.

I’m also channeling a lot of energy into my 20-page literature review that is due in two weeks. I’m sure I will be blogging about that experience rather soon.

*This is a dramatic overstatement.

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